Coming Back

It has been more than 3 months since my last blog post. I never thought I would be away this long, and “write blog post” has been on my to-do list since the beginning of January. The trouble is, I knew this blog post would be very hard for me to write, and until now I just wasn’t ready.

It my last post I mentioned, rather offhandedly, that my cat Knightley had mysteriously stopped eating the weekend before. This had happened in the past, so I wasn’t too worried at the time. The vet thought it was just a fever and that as long as we could keep him hydrated, he would get better. Over the next 3 weeks we tried everything they could think of to get the fever down, but nothing worked. In reality Knightley had lymphoma, and there was nothing we could have done to cure him. Knightley died on November 14th, 2015, the day of my Convocation from Carleton.

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My parents, best friend and boyfriend were all visiting that weekend to attend my Convocation, and I was so grateful to have them with me. I don’t know if I would have been able to get through it without them. Knightley was a part of my life for less than two years, but we bonded more than I have with any other pet. I can’t put into words how much he meant to me and how devastated I have been since I lost him.

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Knightley was a shy guy, but he charmed everyone who met him. He loved to cuddle and being chased around the apartment. He would sit on the back of my desk chair while I worked or sprawl in front of the monitor. Every morning when I had breakfast in my big yellow chair he would jump up and lie in my lap and try to drink my juice. I still miss him every single day.

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When I stopped blogging back in October I thought I would only need a month or two to adjust to my new work schedule. Instead, I spent the first month frantically bouncing between work and the vet, and the second month lost in grief. Knightley appeared on this blog many times: sometimes because he jumped into frame when I was taking a photo of a recent craft project, and sometimes because he was so cute I just had to include photos of him in completely unrelated posts. I didn’t feel I could come back to blogging without explaining his absence, and I couldn’t bring myself to write this post, so I stayed away. Even now this is incredibly difficult to write.

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My life is very different now than it was only a few months ago. Having a full-time job in an office and commuting every day has made my schedule much less flexible, and has left much less time for passion projects. Coming home to an empty apartment every day has made me more inclined to retreat into obsessive reading and TV-watching than ever before. I have been doing much less crafting, and a lot more crying.

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I’ve noticed a shift in the last couple of weeks, though. I’ve started journalling again, and cut out TV almost entirely. I’m trying new recipes again, and picking up the KonMari decluttering process. I still cry sometimes when I’m thinking of Knightley, but slowly some of the memories are becoming less painful. Each change has been a tiny step towards a new normal. I’m hoping that coming back to the blog will be another step in that direction. I’m not sure yet how often I’ll be able to post, or how I’m going to fit writing in around my work schedule, but I do know that I am glad to be back.

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I love you, Knightley, and you will always be my “little man”. We should have had years and years together, but the two we did have will be with me forever. Sleep well.

 

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One Response to Coming Back

  1. Deepest sympathies. I lost my dearest Chloe in December and I still can’t talk or think about her without tearing up.

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